age play is a kink. like other kinks it’s sexual for some people and nonsexual for other people, and like other kinks some people enjoy it as part of a scene along with other kinky elements, some people have other kinks also but prefer to keep them separate, and some people only like age play and no other kinky things. but it doesn’t help anyone – kinky people, age players, anyone – to pretend that age play isn’t One Of Those Gross Kinks.

I’m very much aware that age play is a kink and I never meant to deny that. After I received your message I’ve edited my post a bit to make that clearer.

If you ask me, there is one Gross Kink: the erotification of rape culture. 

If you’re into balloons, fur suits, diapers, pee, latex, rubber, vacuum, out doors, gasmasks, jello or role play: awesome! I love you. You’re my lovely kinky people and I want to hear you talk about your kinks. 

If you’re into erotifying rape and you think that’s just like all the other kinks, we’ve got a problem. This is where my beef with the BDSM scene comes in. Because BDSMers pretend to be like all the other kinks but they’re not. BDSM is the erotification of power, of non-consent, in short: the erotification of rape. 

And don’t get me wrong: I know a lot of people have fantasies about getting raped and they are part of living in rape culture. I have them myself and I realise that that is the result of growing up in a culture that keeps on telling me that it would be totally hot if I got raped. A society that tells me that rape is how men express that they desire you and letting it happen is how you find love. 

I’m 100% for talking shame-free about that, exploring that with other people who have the same feelings, heck, maybe even using some of the fucked up shit society has given me to have some sexy experiences. I identify as a submissive who seeks out other submissives to safely explore those feelings, have sexy times and hopefully heal a bit. 

What I think is a huge mistake is actively looking for someone who thinks it would be totally hot to rape me. Those people have absorbed the dangerous end of rape culture and if they view that as just another kink they are incredibly dangerous to me. 

So yeah, I love kink, I hate ‘dominants’ and other people who pretend that their getting the hots for playing rapist has nothing to do with the society in which they live. Those people are dangerous. 

If you wanna read more about this, a lot of people have written about it. Some in intellectual ways, other in very practical ways, with different nuances. A reading list:

• “BDSM” is kinky sex for rape apologists”
• I want submissives to take more care of themselves
• Dominants are Rapists (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• Domism: Role Essentialism and Sexism Intersectionality in the BDSM Scene
• More on Dominants are Rapists: if consent is not enough, what else do we need? 
• This one’s for the invisible girl.
• BDSM talks the talk when it comes to consent, but is disasterous when it comes to walking the walk.
  
• BDSM as Parody
• National BDSM organization’s own survey admits consent crisis in BDSM Scene (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• Submissive people don’t need dominants. Period. (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• Never, ever assume you need permission from a dominant person to speak to a submissive person. (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• The BDSM Scene is an abusive social institution. Let their world burn (they’re doing it already) (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• Kink can be.. (why the bdsm binary is bullshit)
• Your kinks are not bdsm
• Venn diagrams on bdsm and abuse (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• You might be a rapist if it never occurs to you that rape is something you’re capable of (URL INACTIVE? CLICK HERE)
• Focussing on becoming better at communicating boundaries is the BDSM definition of ‘make sure he rapes the other sub’
• The “in the bedroom” vs. “outside the bedroom” binary is, itself, a false dichotomy.
• Fetlife’s paying users are 13 times more likely to be rapists than it’s non-paying users
• You can take it back: Consent as a felt sense

So, yeah, 

I avoid people who hide their erotification of rape behind ‘kink’ and I encourage others to do the same. 

When I say age-play is mostly actually NOT about the erotification of real age differences, the erotification of power or other rapey stuff, that’s  where I’m coming from.