Asexuals make my life better

queeranarchism:

Before I get started, let me make one thing clear: as an allosexual person, I know the asexual movement does not exist for me. I know the impact it has on my life is not it’s primary goal and I am in no way implying that making my life better should become a primary goal. Ok, got that? Let’s go:

Asexuals make my life better. They really honestly do. Reason number 1: The right of ‘no’. Because in a world full of ‘consent is sexy’ and ‘enthusiastic consent!’, asexuals are the only ones truly, without ‘but’ and ‘sometimes’ calling for the right to say “NO. Not now. Not ever. There is no communication workshop that we can do to change this, I am never going to consent to having sex with you”.  And in doing so, they are creating a world where I have more space to say no. 

Asexuals make my life better. Reason number 2: The right of ‘not this’. I don’t like penetration. I just don’t find it interesting in any form. I know many other people who don’t like oral, or hand jobs, or getting naked, or kissing. All of us face the problem that most of our partners see sex as a ‘package deal’ that is at some point going to involve kissing and nakedness and hand jobs and penetration and oral. If not the first time, then probably at screw number 5, right? Except, it won’t. I’m not going to be into penetration at screw number 5. Asexuals are challenging that package deal. They are challenging that there is any act that is just a standard part of an intimate relationship. And in doing so, they are creating a world where I have more space to assert my boundaries.

Asexuals make my life better. Reason number 3: The right of different lives. Asexuals, and aromantics especially, challenge the idea that forming a life long romantic relationship with one person is an important goal in life for everyone. I never want a life-long romantic relationship with one person and again, I’m not alone in this. Asexuals are creating a world where there is space for that choice. They are challenging the idea that that is abnormal (amatonormativity). And in doing so, they are creating a world where I have more space to chose what kind of relationships I want. 

Asexuals make my life better. Reason number 4: A world without cishetnormativity and misogyny. Let me quote theasexualanarchist on this one:

Of course amatonormativity and misogyny work together, even when it appears otherwise. On one hand, our society obviously prefers a specific type of relationship – monogamous, long-term, with an emphasis on concerted sexual and romantic activity – while either neglecting or straight-up dissuading individuals from pursuing other relationship forms (see the myth that “men and women can’t ever be friends because sex”). And on the other hand, you’ve got this concept just sort of hanging out that cishet men and boys are entitled to a sexual or romantic relationship with a woman because “chivalry” or some equally bullshit expression of misogyny, and when some dudes do end up conforming to amatonormative relationships and others are “stuck in the friend zone,” i.e., not participating in the same preferred relationship performance, the latter lash out in just the shittiest ways. This is why we gotta be talking about abolishing amatonormativity alongside cishetpatriarchy. They feed into each other.
(source)

I want to destroy cisnormativity and heteronormativity. I want to destroy misogyny. But without the destruction of amatonormativity and allonormativity, some of the roots of these things are going to stay in our culture. Asexuals are destroying forms of normativity that feed into forms of normativity that I want to destroy. And in doing so, they are creating a world where I can dismantle oppressive systems that harm me. 

Asexuals make my life better. But of course that doesn’t make them perfect. The asexual community has it’s problems, to be sure. Most asexual groups are very white, with very little critical thought about how that impacts on their work and how that normalizes racism within their communities. And that’s just one problem. There are more. But I have yet to meet any community that doesn’t have problems of exclusion and intersectional oppression. Working through shit like that is an inevitable part of movement building. 

Also like most movements, the asexual movement has a big segment that is only interested in making a space for their individual identity under capitalism. “An openly asexual CEO or cop? Great! Never mind that they have blood on their hands.” A pretty big segment is not interested in working in solidarity with other movements to end all oppression. As someone who does want to radically alter the world we live in, that makes me sad. It makes me just as sad as seeing liberal trans rights activists trying to intergrate middle class white trans people into an oppressive society to create transgender cops and CEOs. 

But a segment does want to truly alter the world we live in and to them I want to say: THANK YOU. You are essential. Your work is essential to my work. Together, we are bringing down an oppressive system, and that system has deep interconnected roots. You are doing essential work to uproot a part of the giant roots of the system. I can not succesfully pull out all the roots of heteronormativity, cisnormativity and misogyny without you pulling at the roots of amatonormativity and allonormativity. 

Asexuals make my life better. They probably make it better in a few ways that I have not yet considered. By uprooting what are considered normal sexual and romantic needs in our society, they are creating a world in which I have more options to be whatever it is that I want to be tomorrow and they are creating a world in which oppression is easier to uproot altogether.