One thing I am having trouble dealing with is the common assumption that when I am defending a group that I am not part of my emotions and well being don’t matter. Like, of course fighting an injustice is more emotional when it also effects you personally but that doesn’t mean that you are unemotional when it doesn’t.  

Speaking up and protesting against a thing like racism is a highly emotional thing for me. I am not engaged in some theoretical debate for fun, I am speaking about something I am passionate about, both because I care about my loved ones who are people of color and because I care about people of color in general. At times confronting white supremacists and getting shouted at by them can be very scary and can leave me very shaken. And I am not saying that to pat myself on the back or to ask for ally cookies, I just want people to see that these emotions are real. 

And like, when I protest and I experience police brutality or fascist violence because of my anti-racism, that violence is less than it would have been if I had been a person of color but it is still violence and it still hurts and puts me in dangerous. The emotions and the physical pain and the fear are all real. 

I know there are times and communities where ‘allies’ get celebrated in ways that are highly disproportionate and where they are praised for doing minimal work and put on pedestals and all of that is wrong, but I feel very frustrated when I am in a community where the response to go completely to the other end of the spectrum and to just pretend that someone defending a group that they are not part of is barely a person. 

I can not be part of such a community because I can not do this work and pretend to never be impacted by it or to never be in need of support when things get tough. .