morbidly-queerious:

queeranarchism:

I write and reblog posts sometimes about all that is terrible in current white middle class cis straight male dominated
‘BDSM’ culture, which in my opinion is really the worst possible way you could organize kinky community spaces

and about my dreams about BETTER kinky spaces that are safe, that prioritize the needs of the most marganilized, that challenge beauty standards, gender roles, rape culture and all other oppressive systems.

And I wanted to warn all of you that if you EVER use one of those posts to go ‘welp, kinksters are rapists’ or ‘that’s what you get for liking piss’ or any other kink-negative and sex-negative shit: you are trash, I hate you, I might publically mock you and I will most definitely block your ass into the next dimension.

When I talk about creating better safer kink communities, I am taking steps towards building a good thing. If you come in with your anti-kink crap, you are coming in to destroy the thing that I am building. We are not and never will be on the same side. So fuck off.

Okay, great, but could you also acknowledge that by and large there are a lot of places with bdsm community and events that are specifically already what you claim to want for kink spaces and that when condemn them all as part of heteronormativity and rape culture you’re erasing the hard work and lives of thousands of kinky queer folks who, like you claim to be, are working to maintain safe and exploratory kink spaces?

Because right now you’re saying you condemn these people, but you’re saying the exact same things in a slightly more respectable way.

“All modern bdsm spaces are dens of heteronormativity and rape culture unlike the great kink spaces of the past and I just want them to not be that” really doesn’t sound all that different to those of us putting blood sweat and tears into maintaining healthy, safe, queer bdsm spaces then “you’re all rapist and abusers and deserve to suffer” tbh, and it bugs me that you don’t care more about how much those latter fuckers love what you have to say.

Talk about abuse and normativities and shit like that in kink. But for the love of all that’s holy, please stop talking like it’s universal. It makes you look like an ass and makes it that much harder for the spaces we are preserving to stay afloat when people like you convince even those on our fucking side that we don’t exist.

I wish it was possible to have a conversation here based on good faith but what you’re saying basically comes down to “if you think the problem in current BDSM culture is bigger and more systematic than I think it is, you are helping the kink shamers”. I have a big problem with that. I’m gonna try to explain why.

I have never in any way denied that good queer kink spaces still exist.
By observation, most of those good queer
kink spaces focus very strongly on open conversations about how we all
internalize parts of rape culture, how we reproduce it, how we fuck up and how we
deal with our fuckups. And most of those good queer kink spaces recognize and
acknowledge the huge problems in mainstream BDSM. And as a result most of those queer kink spaces don’t seem to call themselves ‘BDSM spaces’.

You know how you recognize actual safer spaces? By how openly they talk about the things that are unsafe and the things that are going wrong.

Part of why mainstream BDSM is so shit is that it is so invested in spreading the message that it is safe and consent aware. As a result the community has a tendency to ignore structural consent problems and silence victims because talking openly
about rape in BDSM communities might damage the reputation of BDSM. In practice, this often means victims are only allowed to speak as loudly and as angrily as the majority of the people in the space considers reasonable. Which silences the marganilized people most impacted by the problems in the space.

That is what you’re doing and I am not playing that game.

The fact that there are these fucking puritans out there sucks but we should not respond to that by limiting how we speak about problems that exist in our communities. The moment we do that we have chosen the reputation of our space over the safety of the people in it.

(For full disclosure’s sake: I’ve edited this reply, taken out some of the angrier words I used when I first wrote it, because I really really want to get this message across.)