Power imbalances

If you’re entering a relationship* with someone with less power than you

(like maybe you have way more money, or are documented while they are not, or are older, or have a lot more social privilege than them, or you’re also housing them, or you’re also caring for their health, or a combination of multiple things, power imbalances have many different forms)

The FIRST thing you need to do is seriously consider their safety and well being.

How openly are you communicating about this power imbalance? What’s their safety net? Who can they talk to and get help from that isn’t you? Who sees how you two interact and can address when your dynamic isn’t good?

Should you really be entering this relationship at all? The answer might be ‘no’. Some power imbalances are just too big, especially in the case of age differences between young people but power imbalances between two older adults can be too big to function too.

You’ve probably heard most of this at some point, but here’s something that is just as important:

If you do decide to enter that relationship, the SECOND thing you need to be doing is seriously consider your own safety and well being.

Being in a position of more power can make it tempting to neglect your own needs, desires and boundaries to care for this other person. Being in a position of more power also means you are less likely to notice when you are being manipulated, coerced or abused. It means your partner is less likely to realize that they can do these things to you. It also means less people will notice, will believe you and will sympathize with you if something happens to you.

Are you aware of the potential of that dynamic?  How openly are you communicating about this? What’s your safety net? Who can you talk to and get help from that isn’t your partner? Who sees how you two interact and can address when your dynamic isn’t good?

If you and your partner aren’t openly talking how this power imbalance effects BOTH of you in different ways, at least one and probably both of you are going to end up getting hurt.

(Oh, and the third is: if both of you are totally managing the power imbalance and not harming each other that way, you still gotta get all the other stuff of having a good relationship right. You can still end up hurting each other for a thousand other reasons. The power imbalance is just extra work you get on top of the regular work of caring for each other.)

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*Any relationship. A friendship. An activism buddy. A flatmate. But obviously the more intimate your relationship the stronger power dynamics can get.