I can’t believe this needs saying again but…
Great: analyzing how sexism spreads the systematic idea that pussies are dirty and how, among other consequences, that results in a large number of cisgender men being uncomfortable eating pussy while being perfectly comfortable receiving a blowjob.
Not great: demanding that those men immediately unlearn all of that, pressuring those men into a sex act they are not comfortable with in that moment, claiming that refusing that sex act would make them sexist.
Like, that’s rape.
I could write a whole broader post about how unlearning systematic ingrained things always has a learning process and if you’re not willing to support people through that imperfect progress because they’re not woke enough for you yet, you shouldn’t be hanging out with them at all. Just leave if you can‘t summon the empathy to let real change take place.
But let’s start with don’t rape people, okay?
theinkstainsblog: Fully agreed. My only addendum would be if you choose not to give them blowjobs until they’re comfortable eating out (your choice) and they then get mad about it… ditch them. Still don’t rape them. Just ditch them, if you’re respecting their right to choose, they can respect yours.
Yup. Don’t say shit like ‘If you don’t eat pussy I’m gonna ditch you”, that’s just emotionally coercing someone into a sex act and as such it is, yep, still rape. I repeat: threatening to leave someone unless they do a sex act for you is rape.
Accept the flawed place they’re at or leave. It’s that simple. If you don’t wanna deal in an empathic consent-aware way with where they’re at, accept that they’re not a person you should be having sex with and Just Leave.
Also consider the fact that it just might be something they’re not into. Like, I’m not comfortable with giving oral (be it a blowjob or eating someone out), but I’m comfortable with receiving. Sometimes it’s just preferences.
One thing I’d love to get into again at some point but I think a lot of people on Tumblr would have a fit over the amount of nuance and mutual compassion required, is that there is no place where ‘just not into this’ ends and ‘society taught us this harmful thing’ begins, for any of us.
Our whole fucking zebang of fantasies, desires, kinks, fetishes, things we find hot, things that turns us off, things that make us go oooooooh but only some of the time, all of that has been interacting with society our whole lives and we’re never gonna be able to create clear nature/nurture separations. Society impacts how preferences are distributed.
That shit society raised us with got ingrained deep into how we make sexual connections and we’re just gonna have to deal with that our whole damn lives.
That is why queer people who say they’re ‘destroying beauty standards’ and think they can just decide to do that in a few weeks usually end up having a thing for the exact same people Hollywood idealized only slightly fatter in all the right places with a pink fauxhawk and armpit hair. You can’t just switch all that shit off. It’s more complicated than that.
Shit’s complicated and we’re just going to have to grapple with it and try to do it from a place of genuinely wanting your sex partners to never have a coercive experience no matter what shaped their ‘I’m not into that’.
Working through how our society shapes our desires and revulsions and how that can impact our partners is important and makes our sex lives so much better. I’d recommend anyone to critically examine what shapes what they’re ‘in to’ and to honestly own the answers they find.
But it’s worthless if we’re not sticking of that baseline of consent. You can be the wokest person on the planet, in bed with the shittiest sexist fuckboy of the century, but if you pressure or coerce him into a sex act he doesn’t want, you’re still the rapist.
QueerAnarchism 